Moments of Idiocy
by Novice Comic Lover
Summary: Chandler is an idiot at times, but sometimes idiocy can lead to great things.


Chandler was an idiot. And he knew that. He knew it long before the words "fat sister" ever spilled out of his mouth. It wasn't the stupidest thing he'd ever said, not by a long shot. But it was a catalyst for so many more moments of idiocy.

That first Thanksgiving had been hell. Ross had given him a way out of having to see either of his parents, neither of which looked promising. His mother was having some sort of rager in the city with all of her publishing friends that would surely turn into some sort of orgy. His father was hosting a drag version of the first thanksgiving, with absolutely everyone in costumes. He'd been promised a modest loin cloth, though he wasn't quite sure such a thing existed, and an excellent headdress, but he still turned it down. Instead, he found himself in the picture-perfect suburbia. Watching this happy family tease and laugh and actually enjoy spending time together made him feel worse than he could have ever felt about his family, so when Ross started to bail on their plans to go moon over his high school crush who he just might FINALLY have a chance with, Chandler lost it. He didn't even mean it, really. I mean, sure, she was fat. But she wasn't so bad. Hell, maybe if he'd had a sister, his parents messy marriage and messier divorce wouldn't have been as miserable. But before he could stop himself, before he could say anything to Ross about why he was truly upset, the words slipped out. He felt like an idiot. And he didn't even know that she had heard him.

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Chandler was an idiot. Why he thought that for once he would actually get the babe was beyond him. Hell, he should have seen the whole knife cutting off his toe thing. He always had such shitty luck. With women. With life. The formerly fat sister of his best friend had turned into a total babe in the course of a year, and miracle of miracles, she seemed to be in to him. But then the knife went tumbling through the air, through his shoe, and then there was that old familiar friend, Pain. And to add insult to injury, a carrot was mistaken for the bit of toe that had been severed and now he'd be permanently deformed. On the bright side, at least he was back to having absolutely horrifying holidays. The whole happy times in suburbia episode of last year was just far too normal to feel like he belonged as a part of it.

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Chandler was an idiot. He was comforting the woman who had chopped off his pinky toe because she was so unbearable that her roommate had moved out. Oh, and she was naked save for a towel. Granted, he'd long ago forgiven her for the toe-incident, which they silently agreed never to discuss. After all, when the place across the hall from her grandmother's opened up, she had been the one to mention it. And then she helped him secure the place when it looked like about 50 other people were interested. So he called it even. And it didn't hurt that she would open up her door and wave him in for food pretty much every day. Of course, it ended up that she only did that because she had a crush on his roommate. But he tried not to think about it too much and just found ways to stay out of the apartment as often as possible. All those long hours he was putting in were really paying off for his career. Though he wasn't really sure that he actually liked his job. And then the blissfully happy couple was suddenly not so happy anymore, and soon after not a couple anymore. He didn't try to convince Kip not to move out. Until he had to scour the city for a new roomie, he was pretty sure he wouldn't miss the guy at all. And of course she just had to moon over the new guy that was moving in. He found himself hoping that the guy had some really weird kinks that would keep him from being interested in a girl like her. Not because he liked her or anything. She was like a little sister to him. He was just looking out for her. Which is how he found himself wrapped around her nearly naked form as she tried not to cry. He had never known how to break the news to her that her roommate had snuck out. As he'd gotten to know her over the years, he had found out just how insecure she could be. She might not be the fat girl anymore, but she still carried all that weight around. And so even though a part of him was cursing himself for it, he stayed exactly where he was, and helped her carry some of that weight for a bit.

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Chandler was an idiot. He'd always been terrible with girls. And his luck with this particular one wasn't much better. But his best friend, her brother, was about to be a dad. It was hard for him to grasp. He was at an age where this was a normal responsible thing to do. Granted, maybe not with an ex-wife who had suddenly discovered the fact that she was a lesbian, but still. His best friend's sister wasn't taking it particularly well, either. And so he did what he always did when she was upset and tried to comfort her. But it backfired. Why wouldn't she be married by the time she was 40? He was stumped by that. She was pretty, talented, sweet, and funny. Though she normally didn't mean to be funny when she was, and when she tried it usually failed. He, however, would probably be single until his untimely miserable death. So the idea of getting together with her and having a kid, wasn't entirely unbearable. Plus it was years off till he had to actually be responsible enough. And even more important, it would never happen. Because there was no world in which she would still be single by then.

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Chandler was an idiot. He'd watched her fall in love hard only to crash into a breakup even harder more than a few times over the years. So when she was upset over the latest, when she had dumped Pete for being practically suicidal, he had stupidly tried to cheer her up. And her being her and him being him, she had laughed in his face at the thought that she would possibly deign to date him. And instead of letting it go and moving on because who the hell cared, he had kept bugging her about it. He told himself it was just wounded pride. He was licking his own wounds after his own breakups. But there was a niggling thought in the back of his head that maybe there was something a little more to it than that. A niggling thought that had been there for a lot longer than he'd liked to admit. He'd been able to drown it out with other girls for a while. And it didn't hurt that she was usually paired off herself. But now they were both single, and it was becoming harder to ignore. He wasn't sure anything would quiet it now. But then he peed on her, because Joey had actually watched a science show for some ungodly reason and actually knew something that the others didn't for once, and that did the trick.

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Chandler was an idiot. Weddings always seemed to bring out the worst in people. The crazy in women and the stupid in men. They were no different. She was upset, yet again, because she was starting to think that she'd never have her own wedding day. It probably didn't help that this was her brother's second shot at it. And it really didn't help that some drunk asshole had thought she was the mother rather than the sister. So he did what he always did. Comforting words and touches usually led to her either telling him he was the greatest friend ever or announcing that he was the absolute worst person ever. Oddly enough, this time it led to something he found himself thinking he'd wanted for far longer than he even knew. At least, that's the oddly dreamy and romantic thoughts he found wandering through his head as he watched her sleep cuddled against him. Well, that and how freaking unbelievable the night before had been. He kept replaying it. She had actually screamed his name. And moaned. And clearly her little tutorial on erogenous zones had paid off. He had never been so appreciative. And then she woke up. And she still wanted him. And then she wanted him again later. And he knew it would end sooner rather than later, but it kept going. Even after they got home, and everything should have gone back to normal. He knew she'd realize sooner or later that it was all a mistake and end things. But for now, he was sure as hell going to enjoy it.

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Chandler was an idiot. He had actually taken her for granted. For some crazy reason the woman had entered into some sort of relationship with him and they had planned to get away for a whole weekend to see if they could actually make things work when it wasn't all stolen moments and sneaky subtext. And they had fought. He had known things were going to end eventually, and here it was. All because she was a little bit, okay a lot, anal retentive and he was immature and thoughtless. The crazy part was, it wasn't actually over. She even laughed, laughed, at the silly thought that this one fight had been their impending breakup. Later, at another one of their sneaky rendezvous, she kissed him and told him he couldn't get away from her that easily. It wasn't until then that he even spared a thought that she might be falling for him too.

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Chandler was an idiot. Of course she had heard him call her fat, and of course it had upset her, and of course she had plotted her revenge. And only she could have felt so terrible that it had all gone so wrong instead of just being pleased that she had hurt him back. And of course her best friend knew just how upset the whole thing had made her, while he had barely given the whole thing a second thought. Especially after they had started… whatever it was they were doing. He stormed off in a huff, upset about his own losses, but as he thought more on it, he realized just how much of a jerk he was about the whole thing. So when she showed up with a turkey on her head, trying to cheer him up even though he was the jerk here, he wasn't in the mood. He didn't deserve her. But she pressed on despite his resistance, and the next thing he knew it slipped out. He could have just gone with it, but it didn't feel like the right time. So he denied ever having said those three all-important words. And she being too good for him, let him pretend that it hadn't been said. Of course the next time it slipped out, with the audience of almost all of their friends, a little too much of Phoebe in his opinion, she just said the words back. He found that he preferred it that way.

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Chandler was an idiot. He had her. But he had to go and come up with some idiotic plan, because it just had to be a big surprise. And now she was running into the arms of another man. A man who he had once admired, but now he absolutely despised the asshole. Richard had fucked up and let her go. But Chandler wasn't going to let that happen. Sure, he was an idiot. But no one, not even Chandler, could be that dumb. Luckily, just when all hope seemed lost, it turned out that she had come up with a plan of her own. And while Chandler felt bad for all of the men that had let this wonderful woman go, he was glad that he would not be one of them. Chandler was an idiot. But he was her idiot.


End file.
